The guilt is tenacious. It’s not pervasive. It mostly lurks and sneaks up on you when you’ve forgotten.
Vicious cycle of guilt, tears, logic, grit, tough love, forgetting and then guilt again. It’s like thought circles spread over days.
Just the idea of leaving her in the hospital by herself. A lump in my throat.
It’s going to be a month soon.
Her dying alone, no better way to put it. She didn’t deserve it. No matter how you spin in. She didn’t.
Yes, I’m grateful. Yes, a lot more could have gone wrong. Yes, everyone else is safe. Yes, it’s done. Yes, the suffering ended. Yes, her quality of life had deteriorated. Yes, I’m being selfish with my wish of seeing her one last time. Yes, I need to move on. Yes, it’s not something I can control. A million other reasons – yes.
This song says it all –
“Ek aah bhari hogi. Hum ne na sunee ho hogi. Jaate jaate humko aawaz toh di ho gi.
Har Waqt yahi hai gham.. Uss waqt kahan the hum.. kahan tum chale gaye!”
Sobs erupt abruptly.
