Disclaimer: I’m not a parenting expert or a psychiatrist. I’m just a mom and I write from my own experiences and research. Nobody knows if my advice is good advice, because my kids are still little. So hope it helps you, but feel free to leave loads of kind advice for me too :).
Tantrums vs. Meltdowns
I wish I knew the difference between tantrums and meltdowns as a new parent. With extreme anxiety at every toddler tantrum, I was afraid of raising a spoilt kid or worse, that I would send an entitled adult into the world. So I tried to handle tantrums and meltdowns the same way. But a lot of times, it didn’t work.
Here’s the secret I wish I knew then – dish out some tough love to tame tantrums and kindness to handle a meltdown.
A tantrum is when kids want something relatively reasonable or completely unreasonable. Like when my son insists that he will only hold my right hand during walks, or on layering up with three shirts on a hot summer day.
Tantrums are generally manageable. Depending on the age and the ask, you can give in, divert their attention or say no, and all hell won’t break lose. Meltdown on the other hand, is where all hell does break lose. Nothing makes them happy except throwing a fit. And then, not even that. If you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown, there’s not much you can do. You just have to wait for the storm to pass.
Our first meltdown experience
My first experience with a meltdown was at a mall during Thanksgiving. Little guy had just turned two. It had been a long day. One of those rare days when we skipped his nap. It was around 7 pm, past dinnertime and near bedtime. He was probably tired, hungry and overstimulated. We were trying to buy him shoes. My husband was in the store looking at models, and I was outside, trying to convince him to go into the store. I was tired, he was tired.
He wanted to stay outside. Then insisted on going inside. Changed his mind about going into a store, and then changed his mind to go into a different store. I tried to handle it like a tantrum. Tried distracting him. He started crying. Tried a threat, didn’t work. Tried picking him up, he screamed bloody murder. I had no idea what else to do. There he was, resisting any physical contact, bawling, lying on the ground – in public.
I saw it as a parenting failure because I couldn’t control his behavior. I didn’t want to give in to the crying, so I just let him lie there kicking and screaming. I wasn’t really embarrassed, well, maybe a tiny bit. But I was mostly clueless about how to get him to stop crying, and have him comply.
In hindsight, there wasn’t much I could’ve done. If you’re in meltdown mode, it’s already too late. There isn’t a lot you can do, other than be there for them and have them let it all out. As our doctor says, “make sure they’re in a safe place, and let them cry it out until it passes.” The real parenting “failure” if you can call it that, was not in his failure to comply, but it was in breaking the routine, letting him be out late past dinnertime. But stuff happens. It’s a lesson parents learn fast. It’s the reason parents duck out of birthday parties early for kids to get their naps, or don’t let them stay out late. The only thing I could have done to save myself from the embarrassment was to pick him up and move him to a more private place to have his meltdown.
So last week, my daughter who is now 3 had a meltdown. And I ended up using tools I didn’t know I had. Usually every morning my daughter and I go downstairs, she goes to the bathroom as I warm up her milk. She drinks her milk and then goes about her day getting into stuff, climbing, jumping off furniture and begging for food like a little puppy, as I navigate breakfast – while getting some bonding in. But this as you may guess, wasn’t a usual morning.
The thing is, meltdowns are mostly avoidable. It takes a reasonable parent who is present, and who sees the signs before it happens, and swoops in to avoid a disaster. But parents are human, and we make mistakes.
This particular morning, I was not reasonable or present. I was on a video call with my parents, and didn’t give her milk at her usual time. Then she started begging for food, which was a first sign I ignored. She was hungry. I told her she had to brush her teeth first. This was also me being greedy, because if I dangle milk/food like a carrot to get her to brush her teeth, it would be one big task to check off the toddler morning routine checklist. I should have known better, of course. So anyway, I hung up on my call, we headed back upstairs to brush her teeth.
“Don’t hold my haaand, I wanna go by myself,” she said. She crawled upstairs.
“Oh, you’re crawling like a caterpillar,” I said walking up in front of her.
“No, I’m not. Pick me up,” she said.
“Ok,” I tried.
“Noo, I want to walk.” she yelled. I looked up. There’s still halfway to go. How long is this staircase?
We made it upstairs. Then she dawdled in the hallway. I started a countdown. Will she make it before I count down to 1? I hope to God she does, because I’m out of ideas otherwise. She made it. Yay!
Then there was some drama over peeing. Dad intervened. He got her to pee. But tensions were high. Why didn’t I just give her the milk, again?
It was time to brush her teeth.
“I can brush your teeth if you’re here in five seconds, or you can have Dada brush your teeth.. 5, 4, 3, 2…”
“Nooooo….. you buhsh my teeth”
I successfully lured her to the sink. I tried to put on toothpaste on her toothbrush.
“I wanna, I wannaa squeeze the paste!”
By now, I was on the verge of a tantrum myself. I said no, I’d do it. I didn’t want her to squeeze it all out. And that’s how it all began. Tried distraction, timeout, lecturing. Nothing worked, of course. She wanted some control back.
“Brush my teeth heow,” she said, running into the closet.
I said no.
“Then heow,” she said, running into the shower.
I said no.
“Cookie, you’re not following directions. I’m going to brush your brother’s teeth first.”
That’s it. She lost it. Screaming. Crying. Threats.
“Then I’m neva gonna pay with you eva again. Bahhhh!”
I took her hand, walked her out into the bedroom.
‘Let me know when you’re done, crying, ok?”
I closed the bathroom door on her, and brushed her brother’s teeth in peace.
Harsh, I know. Like I said, I wasn’t being reasonable. But also, I’m a seasoned mom now. Expert at saying no. Expert at ignoring tears. Best parenting lesson I learnt – it’s not you, it’s THEM.
I had some time to breath and compose myself as she stood outside the door crying. I opened the door and she cried harder. I let myself feel terrible, and sat down next to her.
“Are you okay? Do you want a hug?”
“Noooo…” she pushed me away, lay flat on the floor crying her heart out.
“You’re upset!” I said loudly. She kept crying.
“Cookie is upset. You wanted Amma to brush your teeth first. Amma didn’t. Now you’re upset.” I kept repeating it like a chant.
She listened, the crying got softer. I hugged her. She let me. Then I held her for a minute.
“It’s okay,” I said.
She stopped crying.
“Let me know when you’re ready to brush your teeth, ok?”
“Yeah,” she said.
And then they lived happily ever after.. until of course, it was time to brush her teeth again that night. J/K.
Jokes apart, that was a really hard to handle, full-blown meltdown. We normally try not to let it escalate that far.
As a new parent, letting babies cry it out was criminal to me. Crying was a failure. But crying is not only how they let their big feelings out. During meltdowns, crying is their mechanism to finally soothe themselves. I like to think it’s like how an adult feels after a good cry. But we have the mental makeup to not get upset over toothpaste, and they don’t, yet. That’s where we step in.
How to deal with Meltdowns:
Prevent them:
Catch their hunger cues. Get out of situations before they’re overtired or overstimulated. Try to maintain a routine. Don’t schedule activities when they’re tired. Don’t go grocery shopping when they’re tired.
De-escalate:
If you see a tantrum turning into a meltdown, try de-escalat:ion.
- Stay calm. Anger upsets and frightens the child and it can escalate the situation faster. Go easy on yourself and the kid, and understand that a meltdown is an extraordinary situation. If find yourself getting angry, step away and seek your partner’s help. Or leave them in a safe space and walk away for a break.
- Make exceptions: It’s okay to give in to an occasional unreasonable demand that doesn’t break safety rule, if it will help de-escalate the situation. You don’t want to get them in the habit of getting their way by enacting a meltdown, but you also don’t want to be rigid about rules of little consequence. Pick your battles. Avoid a power struggle.
- Distraction: As you see the situation escalating, try distracting from the trigger and redirecting to something new. If I was thinking straight in meltdown incident, I would have told her that she can get food after she gets her milk, or I could have distracted her with an unopened toothbrush that I’m sure she’d love, and talk about when she’d like to start using it. Or about a dead bird we found in one of our walks. You get the idea.
Cry it out:
If all else fails, leave them in a safe area, let them cry it out. Validate their feelings, and when they allow it, hold them close and soothe them.
Understand that what works once may not work the next time, and there may be times when things don’t go according to plan, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself. There’s always going to be another meltdown you can ace.
Because at the end of the day, we are all doing our best. So if you see another parent dealing with a meltdown, show some support and don’t judge. How the kid or the parent handle that situation at that time may not indicate how they would do it on a different day. So be kind.
